Dude my mom stole all your condoms
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
