So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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