i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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