I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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