god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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