i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
