Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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