I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
