I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
