someone threw a dead crab at me
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
