Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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