God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
