The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
