but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
