my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
