but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
