Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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