I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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