Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
