yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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