It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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