I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
