the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
