I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
