kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
