When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
