Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Randomize
