and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
