As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
