Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
