Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
