Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Randomize
