I saw his package. It spoke to me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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