My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
