Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
