I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
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