i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
