At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Randomize
