First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
