she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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