ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
