Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I AM VODKA MAN
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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