My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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