GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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