I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
