jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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