Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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