I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
