His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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