I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize