what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
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