So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
