What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
