you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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