does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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